Photo By: Raj Tuladhar
For generations, caring for an aging parent came with an unspoken family script: daughters were expected to step in. That expectation is changing.
As gender roles evolve and families become more geographically dispersed, caregiving is increasingly becoming a negotiated responsibility rather than one automatically assigned to a daughter. But removing the old default does not necessarily make caregiving simpler. Instead, families must answer a new set of questions: Who can help? What can they realistically contribute? How should responsibilities be divided? And how can an older adult remain in control of decisions about their own life?
Jim Prussak, CEO of Applause Home Care, sees the shift as an opportunity to rethink caregiving altogether.
“We are seeing a gradual shift from ‘the daughter will take care of Mom and Dad’ toward a more shared, negotiated model of caregiving,” Prussak says.
That change is already affecting how families organize care. Adult children may live in different states or countries. A spouse or partner’s career and childcare responsibilities may influence how much they can contribute. One family member may have more financial flexibility, while another may live close enough to provide hands-on assistance.
Professional care is also increasingly part of the equation, allowing families to distribute responsibilities without requiring one relative to become a full-time caregiver.
The result is a model based less on who someone is within the family and more on what they can realistically contribute.
Moving Beyond the Female Caregiver
Treating caregiving as inherently female can create consequences that extend far beyond the immediate demands of caring for a parent.
When one person is automatically expected to assume responsibility, that person may have to reduce working hours, pass up career opportunities or sacrifice retirement savings. Historically, those costs have disproportionately fallen on women.
“Caregiving is a human responsibility, not a female instinct,” Prussak says.
Moving away from that assumption allows families to consider practical factors instead. Geography, work schedules, childcare obligations, finances and individual strengths can all determine who is best positioned to handle particular responsibilities.
Just as importantly, it allows families to recognize that contributing to care does not have to mean providing the same type or amount of support.
Why “Equal” Isn’t Always Fair
One sibling may be able to drive a parent to medical appointments every week. Another may live several hours away but be able to manage bills, insurance paperwork or other financial responsibilities. A third may contribute toward professional care.
Trying to make every family member contribute exactly the same amount can create its own problems. “A useful principle is ‘equitable, not necessarily equal,’” Prussak says. “The goal is for each person to contribute in a way that is meaningful and sustainable.”
That distinction also requires families to recognize the invisible work involved in caregiving. Scheduling appointments, communicating with healthcare providers, arranging transportation and worrying about what happens next can consume significant mental energy even when someone is not physically present.
Without acknowledging that work, families can unintentionally recreate the same dynamic they were trying to escape: one person becomes responsible for managing everything while everyone else waits to be told how they can help.
Prussak recommends assigning ownership rather than simply offering assistance.
“One person might own medical coordination; another handles finances; another arranges transportation,” he says. “‘Helping’ still leaves one person as the manager.”
The Older Adult Shouldn’t Disappear From the Conversation
As families divide responsibilities, there is another person whose voice can easily get lost: the parent receiving care. Changing who provides care should not mean changing who makes the decisions.
“The older adult should ideally be a central decision-maker, not simply the person being cared for,” Prussak says. That means considering an older adult’s preferences, values, independence and desired living arrangement when building a caregiving structure.
A family member might take responsibility for paying bills while the parent continues deciding how their money is spent. Another relative might coordinate medical appointments without making every healthcare decision on the parent’s behalf.
The objective is to separate the work of caregiving from the agency of the person receiving care. That principle is central to Applause Home Care’s approach, which Prussak describes as “Helping Others Help Themselves.” The philosophy emphasizes supporting what an older adult can and wants to continue doing rather than automatically taking over tasks.
Professional Care Doesn’t Mean Family Care Ends
Another common problem is that families begin treating caregiving like a checklist: Meals need to be prepared. Medication needs to be organized. Appointments need to be scheduled. Laundry needs to be done.
But completing those tasks does not necessarily mean an older adult is experiencing a good quality of life. “A family can become focused on ‘getting the tasks done’ while losing sight of the larger question: ‘Is this arrangement actually producing a good life for our loved one and a sustainable life for the people caring with them?’” Prussak says.
An older adult can have their practical needs met while still feeling lonely, isolated, frightened, or increasingly dependent. At the same time, family caregivers can provide extraordinary amounts of hands-on assistance while becoming emotionally and financially depleted themselves.
Neither situation represents a sustainable model of care.
Bringing Professional Care Into the Family
For some families, bringing a professional caregiver into the home can feel like an admission that they can no longer manage on their own. Prussak sees it differently.
Professional in-home care can fill specific gaps while allowing relatives to remain deeply involved in their loved one’s life. A professional Care Partner might assist with bathing, meals, transportation or routine household tasks, while family members continue providing companionship, advocacy and emotional connection.
“Hiring professional help does not mean a son or daughter is stepping away from a loved one,” Prussak says. “It can actually make family relationships more sustainable.”
That distinction becomes particularly important as caregiving needs increase.
Instead of spending every family visit completing caregiving tasks, relatives may have more opportunity to simply be family to share a meal, take a walk, have a conversation or maintain traditions together.
Start With What Needs to Be Done
For families navigating these changing expectations, Prussak recommends resisting the urge to immediately decide who should become “the caregiver.”
“Start by deciding what needs to be done,” he says.
Once the responsibilities are visible, families can determine who is best positioned to take ownership of each one. They can also identify where professional support may be needed and establish a backup plan before a crisis forces the issue.
The larger shift is not simply from daughters to sons, or from one family member to several. It is from assumed responsibility to intentional collaboration.
Caregiving does not have to be divided along traditional gender lines, nor does every family member have to contribute in exactly the same way. What matters is creating a structure that reflects the family’s actual circumstances while keeping the older adult’s wishes at the center.
As those traditional expectations continue to evolve, the families that adapt best may be the ones willing to stop asking, “Who is supposed to take care of Mom or Dad?” and start asking a more useful question:
What does our loved one need, and how can we build a care team that meets those needs without asking one person to carry it alone?